Ups and Downs

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I had such a great weekend in Kansas, came home just on a high from getting to surprise and see everyone. Then I feel like I've been crashing ever since. :( I'm usually so stable, and I think that's what I hate - I don't like being up and down. I think it's like the freshness of moving and feeling homesick, all over again. Seeing everyone made me so excited, and then I came back to realize that I miss them all so much! I feel just so 'heavy' with burdens... our house in KS is still not leased (lease to purchase).. they have someone approved, but they don't have the money to put down yet, so we wait more. (Yes, the verse, "Take Heart and be strong and wait on the Lord" is running through my head) I feel like I "know" all the verses and such, but I'm just full of emotion today, not knowledge. As a female, somedays those are harder to seperate than others. We were doing so good paying off debt before we moved, and as soon as our house leases, we will be back on that track,... but in the meantime, I feel so stuck. Also, Alexandra's birthday is next week, and it's started getting cooler (especially at night) here, and I can start to 'smell' fall. Not sure if you know what I mean by "smelling" fall.. but ever since she was born, the smell of fall just overwhelms me with emotion.

I remember the days just following her birth and funeral... it was fall in KS, and we had the windows open all the time and there was just a 'smell' about the leaves changing, the cool air coming in.. as I sit here at my computer, I can close my eyes and still smell it. It was a time of such mourning, of digging my heels in to get through it, of learning so much of God and his steadfastness.... so every year for 7 years, fall just is Alexandra, it's memories, it's remembering. Maybe that's why I'm so emotional.. I'm remembering and though it's good, it's hard. I've been really good the last few years about allowing myself to have a period of well, mourning, each fall. A day or so (or however long it takes) of just 'being' in my sadness and my memories. I guess because I'm in a different place this year, because I can't carve out some time alone and drive to her grave, I can't seem to get past it as easily. Being able to visit her grave each year was so cathartic and I think I went there, cried and just let it all go... and I can't do that here. I intended to go there this weekend while in KS, and I just didn't . I was on such a high, and wasn't ready to 'be there'.... and now I regret it so much. Anyways, I'm rambling. I KNOW beyond a doubt how truly blessed I am. I know God has done nothing short of miracles in our life recently, but sometimes "knowing" things are different than "feeling" them. He made us emotional creatures, and for today, I "feel" things too strongly to be swayed by knowing them... But I don't want anyone to think that I don't realize those truths and see them everyday in my four children. I hug and kiss them each day, and thank God that, just as Job, He has blessed me doubly after all my sorrow.