Picture from a friend

Just wanted to add this picture! We had several friends and family visit Alexandra's grave yesterday for us.... Heather took this picture and sent it :).

The continuing "Search for a Church" and Alexandra

Well, today Alexandra would have turned 7. I can't fathom the idea of having a 7 year old daughter... having a daughter still feels relatively new to me, despite Trinity being almost a year old. I've had 6 years of having sons, but only a year of having a daughter... so the thought of brushing and fixing hair, painting nails, dolls... just can't quite get my brain around it still. As always, I also have this hard time getting my brain around the concept that if she were alive - I picture in my mind having all 5 of my children together. When in reality, if she had lived, chances are very likely, we wouldn't have Christian. I got pregnant with him 4 months after she died, and I doubt I would have purposely got pregnant that soon afterwards (though I know God controls all that), but chances are good that none of our children would have all come at the times they did... I guess one of those defining moments that TRULY changed our lives and shaped it forever. I mean think about it, if we had her, we probably wouldn't have Christian and then the ages would've been different to have Michael, so he probably wouldn't be who he is... and so on and so forth.

Anyways, I am still comforted having read "The Shack" and the peace it left me with. I still have the image in my head of God holding Alexandra, with her little blonde hair - caring for her, calling her beautiful.. an image and memory that is implanted in me and is as clear to me as the night God showed it to me. I look forward to the day when I see her in Heaven, when we embrace and she calls me Mommy... I look forward to Heaven and when I no longer have to miss her and ponder the impossible questions of destiny above. Some days, days like today, I yearn for it... to be done with the trials of this world, and spend an eternity in joy. BUT, I must remember to make the most of the time we have here.

Which brings me to today. We tried a new church today (that's coming), but as we were getting ready this morning, my son brought cheers of joy to my heart. Our neighbor boy, who is Christian's age, was standing outside our front window as we ate breakfast and got ready to leave. (mind you, at 8:15 am!)... He's the youngest of four kids, and quite honestly, from our observances'... he seems to get lost in the shuffle at times. Sweet kid, though he tends to ring my doorbell too early on Saturdays to see if my boys can come play. Anyways, I look over to see him looking through the open window today. He asks Christian "Can you come play?"
Christian: No, we're going to church today. It's Sunday
Jason: Hmm.. Why are you always going to church? (YA!! He realizes that we go often!)
Christian: Cause we want to learn more about Jesus!

Can a mother be more proud? :)

So, on to church. A friend reminded me while I was in KS, that Charles Stanley, as well as his son, Andy Stanley have churches in the Atlanta area. Having listened to Charles Stanley on the radio for years, we were thrilled. Googled the churches, to find that their churches seem a far driving distance for every week, but we found out that Andy Stanley has 'satellite' churches for his church... one of which is 10 minutes from our house! yA! So we find out times, locations, etc and off we go today for the 9:15 service, that meets in an elementary school.
Nice people.. get the kids checked into their stuff.. Go to the auditorium.. And we had another "rock band" worship (as we call them in our house now). Actually, before that, they are playing REM's "Bloody Sunday" as people are sitting down. Interesting, we think... REM in church. Not that I have anything against REM.. but for church? Two "Rock Band" songs later, the offering song is John Mayer's "Waiting for the world to change". Again, I like John Mayer, heck I like that song, but for me, it doesn't lead to me to God or worship... and then the lights go out, the two screens come up and we watch a video of Andy Stanley's sermon. GREAT sermon... LOVED his teaching, but not sure how I feel about being preached to through a video. :( He closed with prayer (on the video) and everyone left. That was it, there is no pastor, no pastoral staff.. nothing. To us, TOTAL lack of accountability (feel free to send me your input if you disagree), but we were totally disappointed. I want MORE! I want more worship, more accountability... MORE!! It's so frustrating. We questioned ourselves.. is it us? Are we missing something.. This search for a church STINKS!!! :(

Pick me ups!

Well, I've had some encouragement over the last day. When I was in KS last weekend, my friend Dave, sent me home with a book called "The Shack". Well, last night about 9, I started it... thinking I'd read for a few minutes before bed. Well, about midnight, I finally finished it and went to bed - I COULD NOT put it down!! Dave told me that it was one of the most amazing books ever, and I couldn't agree more wholeheartedly!!! It stretches the boundaries of my knowledge of who God is.. and I love it! It soooo takes Him out of the box, which I think He hates being put in anyways, and showed me so much of His heart. Warning, it does have a sad side to it (although you see the redemption of it), and it ministered so much to where I am at right now. It reminded me of the side of God I saw just after Alexandra's death, the Abba, the healer, the deep love He is. If you haven't read it, RUUUSH out to get it and read it.

I also did some 'coupon/bargain' therapy this morning. Laugh if you want, but it certainly does give you a 'high' to spend $27 on groceries and have your receipt show that you saved $115 with sales and coupons!!! That makes about $35 I spent at Publix this week, with a savings of over $250. My storage shelves are rapidly filling up again! I am delighted to say that I have landed smack dab in the middle of "Double coupon" heaven here! :) Publix and Kroger both double coupons, and Publix also has B1G1 sales every week... Just for example, from this week alone, I have 30+ boxes of fruit snacks, 20 bags of Chex Mix, 20 boxes of cake mix, 10 boxes of oatmeal, 10 boxes of cereal, 2 free gallons of milk, and 10 boxes of toaster strudels. That's not even all of it... but that kind of excitement does help me out of my funk! Apparently there ARE perks to Georgia! ;)

Ups and Downs

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I had such a great weekend in Kansas, came home just on a high from getting to surprise and see everyone. Then I feel like I've been crashing ever since. :( I'm usually so stable, and I think that's what I hate - I don't like being up and down. I think it's like the freshness of moving and feeling homesick, all over again. Seeing everyone made me so excited, and then I came back to realize that I miss them all so much! I feel just so 'heavy' with burdens... our house in KS is still not leased (lease to purchase).. they have someone approved, but they don't have the money to put down yet, so we wait more. (Yes, the verse, "Take Heart and be strong and wait on the Lord" is running through my head) I feel like I "know" all the verses and such, but I'm just full of emotion today, not knowledge. As a female, somedays those are harder to seperate than others. We were doing so good paying off debt before we moved, and as soon as our house leases, we will be back on that track,... but in the meantime, I feel so stuck. Also, Alexandra's birthday is next week, and it's started getting cooler (especially at night) here, and I can start to 'smell' fall. Not sure if you know what I mean by "smelling" fall.. but ever since she was born, the smell of fall just overwhelms me with emotion.

I remember the days just following her birth and funeral... it was fall in KS, and we had the windows open all the time and there was just a 'smell' about the leaves changing, the cool air coming in.. as I sit here at my computer, I can close my eyes and still smell it. It was a time of such mourning, of digging my heels in to get through it, of learning so much of God and his steadfastness.... so every year for 7 years, fall just is Alexandra, it's memories, it's remembering. Maybe that's why I'm so emotional.. I'm remembering and though it's good, it's hard. I've been really good the last few years about allowing myself to have a period of well, mourning, each fall. A day or so (or however long it takes) of just 'being' in my sadness and my memories. I guess because I'm in a different place this year, because I can't carve out some time alone and drive to her grave, I can't seem to get past it as easily. Being able to visit her grave each year was so cathartic and I think I went there, cried and just let it all go... and I can't do that here. I intended to go there this weekend while in KS, and I just didn't . I was on such a high, and wasn't ready to 'be there'.... and now I regret it so much. Anyways, I'm rambling. I KNOW beyond a doubt how truly blessed I am. I know God has done nothing short of miracles in our life recently, but sometimes "knowing" things are different than "feeling" them. He made us emotional creatures, and for today, I "feel" things too strongly to be swayed by knowing them... But I don't want anyone to think that I don't realize those truths and see them everyday in my four children. I hug and kiss them each day, and thank God that, just as Job, He has blessed me doubly after all my sorrow.

Good Visit!

Well, for those that didn't see me, I made a surprise visit to Kansas this weekend, and OH how nice it was~! Only a couple of people knew I was coming (yep, surprise!), so that I could surprise my friend Heather and my sister in law, Tabby.. They both had their babies within the last couple of weeks, so I had to go see 'my babies". :) My new nephew, Shane, and my new-practically neice, :) Violet. OHHH, how cute! That's Violet on the left and Shane on the right. I was able to surprise both mommies, and Tabby even cried! :) It was worth all the scheming.

And I might say, both of those babies are JUST gorgeous. Just wish I got to see them more often! Trinity went with me (also her first flights!) and we just had so much fun seeing everyone. I've learned, since moving, the power of 'being known' as I call it. The feeling of happiness of getting a warm hug or smile from someone who knows and loves you... It's hard being new all the time, and having to introduce yourself, tell someone about yourself.. and all the things that people here don't know. I lived in KS since I was 18 years old, and my friends there not only knew my history, but they were PART of it. We share memories of being freshmen in college together, or of sharing our pregnancies together,... they've cried with me, I've cried with them... all that 'knowing each other'.. and it's really hard to not have anyone here who I really share that with. Always being the stranger in the crowd.. so to go home for a weekend, and see all my 'history people' - to be greeted with hugs and love, felt SOOOOO good. Like warm fuzzies all weekend. It was also sooooo good to be in our old church, and to walk in to somewhere that felt like home. To again, be familiar, to be known (and to be loved!).. I just can't describe how wonderful and invigorating it was. I think I feel like I can keep going for a while now.

When I got back last night, I told Philip that I had the oddest feeling now though.. that when I'm here, I call Kansas home. But when I was there, I found myself saying, "Well, at home we...". Both KS and GA are home now, and that feels so weird to have your heart in two places. My mother in law said that, as missionaries, that's the way they've felt almost their whole lives! Crazy! Either way, it was just wonderful to be there, and yet, it's good to be back here with my kids and Philip and our 'new life'.

One last note, Alexandra's birthday is next week on the 28th. If anyone in KS wants to pay her a visit around that time and leave a balloon or a flower.. I'm still struggling with not being there then. Jonathan and Tabetha have said they will for us, for which I am so appreciative.. Not a day goes by that I don't still think of her.

Modern Day Miracles!

I just heard from Philip, and Christian is out of surgery. Here's the amazing part. They went in to remove the mass, and IT WASN'T THERE ! The doctor came out to talk to Philip in recovery, and she was just dumbfounded. :) She can't figure out, for the life of her, how it was there on Tuesday and now it's gone. She apparently just kept saying, "It's a mass, they can't just go away on their own!" She couldn't figure it out, but we can !!! They still cauterized one side of his nose, which is something they could have done in the office.. so she kept apologizing, because she couldn't explain it!

God is good!

Showing us 'one more step' ...

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm27: 13-14

God showed me this verse back in 2001, right after Alexandra was born and we were trying to get pregnant again. I was so impatient to have another baby in my arms and felt so abused by life... and so I wrote in a notecard and taped it to our mirror. Well, I finally took that taped card down when we moved to Georgia. So after 7 years of reading it everyday, that verse is permanently ingrained in the minds of Philip and I.

As you know, even though we have a great peace about moving here, I am still often mystified as to 'why' God chose to uproot us from our family and friends. I trust Him, but I am such an analytical person that I always want to know why before I do something... and generally, in my experience, God works in precisely the opposite fashion. He says "Go" and doesn't tell you why until you're already there. This has been such a hard thing to learn. So, fast forward to yesterday.... actually, I have to give some background. Philip works for a contracting firm called CAS. (He works AT Cox Communications, but as a consultant for now). The consulting firm and Cox both know that within a year or so, he will convert to an employee.. but for a LOOONNG list of reasons, things are fine as is. Anyways, he has put into a Director position, and is hiring a team of employees to form his "quality assurance" team. The consulting firm, CAS, is basically made up of a bunch of guys who travel during the week (a few live here like Philip), and travel home on the weekends.... well, Philip has turned into a beacon of light amongst some guys who like to party it up like they're in college. Actually worse than college in many ways. :) SOOO.. fast forward to this week. Philip hires two employees last week.. a man and a woman.

To make a lloong story short, he talked with both of them yesterday at various times. They both knew that he would be out today and tomorrow for Christian's surgery. He talked with the woman, who said "Just want you to know that I'll be praying for your son". Philip says, "Thank you.. I believe in the power of prayer, so I appreciate that.". Well... 30 minutes later, the story comes out that this woman is a wonderful christian lady! Despite having many other job offers, God told her that THIS was the job for her and she actually waited a month for Philip to be able to offer the job to her, as well as taking a salary that wasn't the highest on her list in job offers.. Because GOD told her to. AMAZING. Philip also discovered that the man he hired is ALSO a wonderful man of God... So, amongst being in a 'den of lions' (as we call it), Philip is now surrounded by two employees who are Jesus loving, praying, people of God. If I believed in coincidence, well... But I DON'T! I believe our steps are orchestrated by God, and that He led us here. Maybe He led us to these two people, maybe He led them to us (as you might remember, we feel like we're in the middle of a desert, as far as Christians go)... but however He worked it, HE DEFINTELY worked it! :) I don't know if you've ever read the "Left Behind" series.. but I feel like it's kind of like in those books, where God led the people that needed each other the most to encounters, at just the precise moment they each needed it most. God is so good. I still understand all the why's and how's and such, but man, it's amazing to see him reveal it to us!

Christian should be going into surgery soon... Philip is with him and I'm home with the other kids... Will update!

Christian will be having surgery

Hey all, just wanted to update. We went to the Pediatric ENT this morning, in order to find out why Christian is having so many horrible nosebleeds. (Not sure if I mentioned, but between Sat and Sunday (36 hours) he had 6. That's the most we've had, but still, kind of alarming for a 5 year old. ANyways, she discovered today that he has a "pyogenic granuloma papilloma". Best I can find on the internet is that it's a overgrowth of tissue that forms. I'm still researching, but anyways, the only way to fix it is surgically. So he will go in on Thursday and have outpatient surgery for it, as well as cauterizing some blood vessels on the right side of his nose. Apparently it's growing rapidly and is the reason his nosebleeds have been so severe and frequent. They also mentioned that they have to send it off to pathology, which sent off red alarms, but the doctor assured me that these aren't malignant. I'm not sure why they start, but she seemed to think it was rather uncommon in kids so young. I'm anxious for his nosebleeds to stop, but poor little fellow - I don't think it will be too fun for him. If anyone knows anything about these, please let me know! Everything I find on the internet is a bunch of medical jumbo that I'm trying to figure out.
ADDED: I found this definition somewhere on the internet "Pyogenic granuloma is a benign, rapidly growing hemorrhagic lesion of unknown origin. ' Helpful, huh?
ADDED: I hope she doesn't mind, but my friend Amy (from college), who is now a doctor (you go girl!) sent me this information. " Pyogenic granulomas- Usually these start at the sight of an injury- so anything- a scratch in his nose, a spontaneous nose bleed that scabs - anyway, for whatever reason instead of healing right, the body starts over growing- and it's usally a bright red/bloody type of tissue. They won't heal unless you surgically remove (or if it's on the hand or soemthing a simple office procedure). I think , because of where it's at, he has to have surgery- but the hope is to get rid of it!!! I think the term papilloma that your doc used was because it looked finger like (papilloma is the term for skin tags- things that kind of hang down) I'm betting it's more of that shape so she tagged it on the end of the pyogenic granuloma term. " Thanks Amy.. that is way more clear than anything I've found!!!

Please keep him in your prayers this week. I know it's just outpatient surgery, but as a mom, you know you tend to worry anytime your child goes under... so add a prayer for mom and dad.
Times like this is when I go "OH why am I so far away from all our friends and family!" Because I am not sure of being able to find someone to stay with the other kids, I imagine one of us will have to stay with them and one of us go with Christian. It makes me again thankful for the support system we had in Kansas and DESPERATELY miss it. I had a list of a dozen people there I could have called, that would have stayed with the other kids, so we could both go... I guess again, God is showing us to rely on him and on each other.. but dang if it's not a hard lesson to learn.

Please also continue to pray about our house! I heard from the company that's managing it, and there is a family that is approved and that wants it, but is working on getting their $$ together.. so pray that happens quickly! We really want to take the whole family home in October, but we have alot of hesitance about the financial part of that if we're still paying two mortgages.. Maybe I should start playing the lottery. :):):)

My baby's getting so big!

OH, my baby is getting so big.. just wanted to share. She's learning to walk and push toys around... I just realized that she'll be ONE next month! Where does it go?

The Ups and the Downs

Well, we're making it through the long weekend with just me and the kids. It's been so hard being here, getting pictures via email and phone... but actually missing in person being able to see Shane. Stinks if you ask me... but I suppose if the road to obedience was easy, we'd follow it more often.

Anyways, I've a big "Up" in that, (as cheesy as this sounds), I think I found a new friend! Her son and Christian play on the same baseball team, and we have just hit it off! She also has four kids (although flip of us - 3 girls, 1 boy) and even though we've only been together 3x, it feels as though I've known her forever in some ways. I told Philip, after our second conversation at practice, that if you can talk about boob jobs, periods, birth control and more on only your 2nd conversation, I think you know you've found someone like minded!!!! :) We met on Friday morning and went shopping for stuff to make hairbows and such. I'm going to teach her how to make bows, pacifier clips and other stuff for all those girls in her house! I quickly discovered they are christians, and that they even visited some of the same churches we have! ANNNDD, to top it off, her husband's contracting company is the one that is lined up to do our new roof!! I actually met her Father in Law (didn't know it was him at the time), because her husband and FIL own the company.... Long story, but needless to say it's a small world and when God wants you to meet someone, He WILL make it happen! It has been such a pleasant surprise to meet her and find someone with whom I seem to get along so well... Each week here seems to be getting a little better!

AND, for our "downs".. please pray for Christian. If you don't know, he has struggled with nosebleeds for about 2+ years.. Well, since moving, they are much worse again. I took him to the dr on Thursday and we have an appointment with a pediatric ENT on Tuesday.. but he's had FIVE nosebleeds in the last 24 hours. I called the oncall doc.. who said I should still just wait til Tuesday, but it's just non-stop! It freaks him out quite often to see that much blood, and to be honest, I am SOOO tired of cleaning up blood (I think I found that I just might have a stomach for Labor and Delivery after all this!), and he's so tired of it too. I'm going to call tomorrow to see if we can move up the appointment to tomorrow, cause it's just out of control for a 5 year old. We've been up almost every night lately with a bloody nose, in the car, in the grocery store - everywhere! We *think* that they might need to cauterize something, which I haven't even told him because he would FREAK out.. but we just can't continue like this and we have tried EVERYTHING we've been told, to no avail. SO please pray for wisdom and for him!

Baby Shane!!

I have a new nephew! :) Shane Titus was born today at 7 lbs 6 oz, 19 inches and they said he is BLONDE! The concensus is that he looks a lot like Michael when he was born! :) Considering how dark headed and olive Dominic is, it seems crazy that he would be blonde like our kids! THe pic on the top is Shane and the pic on the bottom is Michael.. HMM.

I am SOOOO sad that I'm here and not there.. Philip is in KS and sending me pics like crazy.. But just not the same! I miss home!!

Congrats Aunt Tabby and Uncle Jonathan, I can't wait to hold him!! :)

The more I seek Him...the more I find Him

So I was sitting on my prayer couch today, reading the Bible. Let me just admit here, that since we've been here - I have spent a LOT of time praying (which is good), but not a lot of time reading scripture and my Bible. I tend to do that - I get focused on one aspect and drop another... So, since its a quiet, overcast day here, and the boys are watching a new movie, Trinity is sleeping - I felt God calling to me to spend some time learning ABOUT Him, not talking TO Him. (I am speaking to myself here!) Anyways, I found a flyer in my Bible that I have no idea where it came from.... (Hmm... Erin, think maybe it was GOD!?) :) It was on Key Apostolic Intercessory Prayer ... again, no idea where I got it from.
It sent me to Ephesians 1: 17 - 20. "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of Wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of His mighty strength, which He exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at His right hand in the heavenly realms." (Italix added by me). As I read this over and over today, it struck me - the SAME power that rose Jesus from the dead is the SAME power working in me. I don't know about you, but I've never come close to having enough power to raise someone from the dead (Physicians come close maybe)... Trust me, if I could have made someone raise from the dead, I would have done it when Alexandra died. I begged and pleaded with God to make her just suddenly gasp for air and do a miracle..... and as you know, nothing in my person made that happen. Yet, the power to do that is running through me.

It doesn't seem 'graspable' to me to find or have or use that power... yet God has clearly said He wants us to find Him and know Him well enough that we realize He is working through us with that same power. I don't know where I'm going with this, only that it seemed to knock me on my butt today. I know I desire the wisdom and the revelation that Paul is speaking about, as well as the knowledge of how GREAT, FANTASTIC and amazing the power of God is. I've been a christian for 14 years now, and I feel like I'm only scratching the surface of what I should know by this point.

Again, maybe God has drawn us here to Georgia, to draw us 'away' for a while, so that we can find a new side of him. I don't have friends calling for playdates everyday, I don't have our weekly women's bible study... so instead I'm having to rely on just God. Maybe that's the way He wanted it.... I have so much yet to learn, so far to go, but I'm so glad He hasn't given up on me yet. When God sent us here, He sent me this other verse, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:7 ... If you know me, you know I don't sit still too often... but maybe that's why He sent us here!

Picture catch up....

Trinity spent the baseball game chewing on everything!!

THought I'd add some of our pictures from the last week.. That was Trinity in her stroller at Christian's game... The boys eating at our bar, on their new barstools.. (they think that's the coolest EVER), me and my two big boys :), and Christian 'ready for action'. :)

Well, Philip's mom was here for 3 days and just left this morning... and man does the house feel empty! :) We've had Nancy, my dad and Karen all here in succession over the last month and it's always so empty when the company leaves! I might just add that it was SO nice to spend some time with her and I am one of those women who are blessed with a MIL that I adore! Many women have a love/hate relationship with their mother in laws... but it's all love here! She's like having my own mom here and I'm so sad to see her go. Why can't everyone else just move to Atlanta too? :)

Well, Michael started preschool today. We found a great place called "Child's Play" and I think he is going to do great! He will go Tues, Thurs and Fridays.. and all day yesterday, he was upset because he was "ready to go!" I think he's done a lot of maturing in the last year - though he has a ways to go, but I'm really hoping this will get him ready for kindergarten next year. This school has an amazing curriculum! They teach them sight words and phonics, letter identification, ... a whole slew of stuff I can't even list out - but to sum it up, she said most of their 4 to 5 year olds are reading by the time they go to kindergarten! That would be amazing for Michael, who I'm not even sure can say his whole ABC's yet! :) It's a bit of a financial stretch for us, but I feel like for him, it's so important...

Please continue to pray that our house in KS gets leased soon! We need to stop paying 2 mortgages! :) We had a great service at church Sunday, and the pastor talked about God's light, and how He generally only shows us step "A", even though we want him to show us "A through Z" all at once !AMEN brother! :) I'm a natural born planner and I would love to still know why we're here and why all these steps fell into place to bring us here... but God wants to show me just the NEXT step, so that I can learn to trust Him more and more... Well, I'm working on it, but it sure isn't in my nature. This whole move though, is definitely an exercise in learning to trust and it reaffirmed to us that we're where we should be.. just don't know WHY yet! :)

FRIENDS!! :)

I just wanted to say that I think God is answering my prayers for a friend/friends. Yesterday, one of the neighbor gals (who we see at the bus stop every afternoon) invited me out to have dinner with her sometime soon, as well as just an open invitation to say hi, get coffee, talk, etc. She seems very genuine and nice and I am really excited to go out with just a gal pal soon!!!

Then I met another Mom at Christian's baseball game today. She also has four kids, her youngest is 8 mos and oldest is 8... opposites though - she has 3 girls and 1 boy! She loved Trinity's headband with the flower on it and her pacifier clip and we are going to get together this week, so I can show her how to do them. Again, she seemed so nice and we really hit it off today at baseball. Her oldest daughter is also named Trinity!! It's really nice to feel like maybe I'm starting to make some connections and have a couple of people I know well enough to at least call for a playdate, and such. Just after the longest night comes the brightest morning!

I also wanted to say that I've been researching nursing schools, and along with Laura's help (who is an RN), I'm figuring out what I would have to do. In order to become an RN, I actually just need to get an Associate's Degree. Well, the first year almost of that is core curriculum, which I already have!!! I think I could actually finish in a year or so!! I still have some research to do, but I'm really excited about this! It's so amazing to me how God just opens doors and shows you new things all the time! And man, is it good to know that He's in control - not me!

Fall, memories, leaving a child behind...

I've been hearing from friends in Kansas and Missouri that fall is on the way. :) It was still almost 90 degrees here yesterday in Georgia, and I find myself so homesick for home and for fall. I was flooded by memories yesterday of sleeping with our windows open in the fall, and waking up burrowed under the covers because it's 65 degrees in our bedroom... and the smell of fall. The leaves turning and the crispness in the air.... I can actually smell it right now, as though I were there. As much as I hated our house in KS and was ready to get out of it (by the way, please pray it gets rented), today my heart longs for it. You see, I had all my children in that house. 4 of the 5 were born in September and October, and the smell of fall reminds me of those times. I remember bringing them all home from the hospital to that house and placing them in the cradle beside my bed.. swaddling them a little tighter at night and putting little caps on their head, because of the cool, fall weather.

Fall has been a hard season to transition to for me, for the past 6 years. Alexandra was born and died on September 28 and her funeral was October 1st... and every year, as fall comes and those familiar smells swept into my bedroom, memories of her flooded me. Memories of feeling her kick and watching my belly move (and with all my babies) and of coming home from that hospital - empty handed. The days when Philip and I clung to each other for comfort, for hope.. and the days when we found hope... when we had Christian, Michael, Ethan and Trinity. I tend to have visited Alexandra more in the fall, because I just felt so close to her then.

As we prepared to move, I struggled with guilt about leaving her behind. I know I was only leaving her grave behind... but in a sense, I felt like I was leaving her behind. A mother should never have to do that. I know it's just her grave and her body, that her soul is resting in heaven with Jesus - better off than any of us here are.... but, I think you know what I mean. I struggle, because, this year on her birthday, I can't visit her grave. We can't take the kids there and take balloons. The last few years, we've gotten a birthday balloon for her and then let all the kids get one... sentimental and silly, but tradition. I won't be there this year. I can't go visit her grave, and talk to her, and tell her about her siblings... and it hurts me. I miss fall (which I know WILL come to Georgia, sooner or later).... I miss 'home' (and I know that this will slowly become our 'home' too). Transition is hard, harder some days than others. I'm so sentimental in the fall, and today especially. I will miss Old Settlers this weekend, miss walking around the rides and booths - the ones Philip and I went to when we were just dating... holding hands, young love... The booths I walked by at 8 and 9 months pregnant with my kids... sweaty, swollen and hot, but filled with excitement for the nearness of birth...

I am very content in our new home. I am so content with my house-full of children, with my handsome boys and our beautiful daughter... and I am sad to have left one of my children behind.

I am just thankful, that as a Christian, I have hope. I have hope that I will see her again, and that in the meantime, Jesus is holding her for me (as he told me one night, 7 years ago)... thank good ness for hope. Thank goodness for the changing of the seasons - for the reminder of where we are, where we've been, and hope for where we're going.

I must be crazy... for many reasons!

First off, I must be changing or crazy or desperate for adult conversation. :) Philip plays tennis on Wednesday nights, so I'm home with the kids those days from "dawn to dusk", as I call it. :) Tonight, my doorbell rang and lo and behold, there were three men at my door. Not scary men, but very nice men! They were from First Baptist Church, where we visited on Sunday. They were making a follow up call to just say hi, welcome to the church, etc... Now, it's been a VERRRY long time since I've had anyone from a church show up on my doorstep on a call like that. Years and years, I'd venture to say. And up until now, I would have considered those type of people oh..intrusive and a bother... How did I feel tonight? Positively thrilled! :) Thrilled to feel welcomed by other Christians, thrilled to have someone show up on my doorstep - JUST TO TALK TO ME... Yep, I think I'm certifiable. :) They invited us to their Sunday school class/care group for young couples, and I am so starved for friendships, that by golly, you don't have to invite me twice! :) Seriously, if you knew me when I lived in Kansas, you know what I'm saying... and that it's very 'not me'. But again, apparently God moved us to help teach me some lessons and stretch me (I seem to be seeing a theme here, people!)

I am probably also crazy, because as you saw in my last post, I am seriously contemplating my future. Why? I have no idea.. I think I have too much time on my hands right now. :) But, after a whopping two days of debating, I really do think I want to become a nurse!!!! Again, if you know me at all, I don't tend to sit on decisions and mull over them for very long. For better or worse, I tend to be a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kinda gal... Now, granted, I can't really rush into this one. I have four small children, three of whom aren't yet in school... and I am apparently lacking some required education!!! :) Yep, I'm thinking of going back to school! I've started checking around some schools/nursing schools in the area and their programs. Granted, I have a bachelor's already, which covers most of the prereqs, but I'm still missing chemistry and labs, as well as Anatomy and Physiology and labs... It will be interesting to see how/when this all works out. One of the schools I looked at had an accelerated program, which is 16 months long, but it's pretty much all day, 4 to 5 days a week for that time period.... So, I don't know. I would need to start slow, I'm not a rigid time schedule, so I"m hoping to find something I can do more, a little at a time - as well as maybe some on-line, etc.. I would love to be a Labor & Delivery nurse.. I just think it would be the most amazing thing to help deliver babies everyday. I mean, seriously - what is more awesome than seeing new lives born? I know there is obviously a little more 'blood and guts' to it all than that (I've given birth 5 times, I know a thing or two about the blood and guts!)... but I still just think it would be an amazing job to help be a part of that..... SO, please say a prayer as I try to figure out how to do something amazing, as well as the amazing job of raising our kids. There has to be a balance, and they have to be my priority for now, so lots of decisions to be made in the future.

Question of the Day: What would you do....?

As Christian has started kindergarten and I now have one of the kids in school all day, I've started to find myself pondering a new question. What would you do (career wise) if you were able to start over? No salary requirements, just picking a new job or career?

You see, within the next 3-5 years, I will have a really unique chance to start over in a job/career. We have moved away from Sprint, where I spent 5 years of my career in telecommunications. Not sure that's what I intended to do with my life, but it was a very good job and paid quite well.... I have a bachelors in pscyhology and an MBA.... and as my kids get into school full time, I plan to go back to work at least part-time. I would love to still be home about the time they are from school, etc.... but what in the world would I do with myself all day, once all of them are in school? So I've started to think ahead to "What do I want to do when I grow up?" I can't go back to the job I worked before (again, not sure I'd want to) and probably wouldn't even choose to go back to IT. I've owned my own business, which is now sold.... so what do I want to do with myself? Very difficult question! Salary really isn't the deciding factor, as with a lot of people - because we've already been living on Philip's salary for 4 years. So, I feel like in some ways, I'm fresh out of college again - what do I want to do with myself?

I'd love to go be a Labor & Delivery nurse... except, I don't want to go back to school to get an R.N. when I already have two degrees and enough college loans to last me for 20 years... Hmm... I really want to teach at the college level someday.. so I might explore some community colleges to start with, but I would probably need to go back and get my PhD...

Anyways, lots to think about? Got any suggestions? What would you do?