I've been hearing from friends in Kansas and Missouri that fall is on the way. :) It was still almost 90 degrees here yesterday in Georgia, and I find myself so homesick for home and for fall. I was flooded by memories yesterday of sleeping with our windows open in the fall, and waking up burrowed under the covers because it's 65 degrees in our bedroom... and the smell of fall. The leaves turning and the crispness in the air.... I can actually smell it right now, as though I were there. As much as I hated our house in KS and was ready to get out of it (by the way, please pray it gets rented), today my heart longs for it. You see, I had all my children in that house. 4 of the 5 were born in September and October, and the smell of fall reminds me of those times. I remember bringing them all home from the hospital to that house and placing them in the cradle beside my bed.. swaddling them a little tighter at night and putting little caps on their head, because of the cool, fall weather.
Fall has been a hard season to transition to for me, for the past 6 years. Alexandra was born and died on September 28 and her funeral was October 1st... and every year, as fall comes and those familiar smells swept into my bedroom, memories of her flooded me. Memories of feeling her kick and watching my belly move (and with all my babies) and of coming home from that hospital - empty handed. The days when Philip and I clung to each other for comfort, for hope.. and the days when we found hope... when we had Christian, Michael, Ethan and Trinity. I tend to have visited Alexandra more in the fall, because I just felt so close to her then.
As we prepared to move, I struggled with guilt about leaving her behind. I know I was only leaving her grave behind... but in a sense, I felt like I was leaving her behind. A mother should never have to do that. I know it's just her grave and her body, that her soul is resting in heaven with Jesus - better off than any of us here are.... but, I think you know what I mean. I struggle, because, this year on her birthday, I can't visit her grave. We can't take the kids there and take balloons. The last few years, we've gotten a birthday balloon for her and then let all the kids get one... sentimental and silly, but tradition. I won't be there this year. I can't go visit her grave, and talk to her, and tell her about her siblings... and it hurts me. I miss fall (which I know WILL come to Georgia, sooner or later).... I miss 'home' (and I know that this will slowly become our 'home' too). Transition is hard, harder some days than others. I'm so sentimental in the fall, and today especially. I will miss Old Settlers this weekend, miss walking around the rides and booths - the ones Philip and I went to when we were just dating... holding hands, young love... The booths I walked by at 8 and 9 months pregnant with my kids... sweaty, swollen and hot, but filled with excitement for the nearness of birth...
I am very content in our new home. I am so content with my house-full of children, with my handsome boys and our beautiful daughter... and I am sad to have left one of my children behind.
I am just thankful, that as a Christian, I have hope. I have hope that I will see her again, and that in the meantime, Jesus is holding her for me (as he told me one night, 7 years ago)... thank good ness for hope. Thank goodness for the changing of the seasons - for the reminder of where we are, where we've been, and hope for where we're going.
Growing Boys
15 years ago
3 comments:
Erin, this made me cry. I don't even know what to say. I will pray that God brings you comfort during this time and continues to remind you that Alexandra is with Him, safe, happy, protected, and loved. You will see her again one day and until then, her home is not where her body lies, it is in heaven with Jesus. He is holding her there for you. You can still celebrate her birthday, and her life, without visiting her physical grave. Some mothers who have lost their little ones don't have a physical grave to visit. You can still celebrate her, be comforted by her memories, and bring her memories into your new home by having a different celebration this year in your new environment. She is a part of you and her memories and the bond you have will be with you where ever you go.
Sis my heart goes out to you. I was very teary eyed reading this. I can't imagine how you felt when you lost her then or now thinking you left her behind. But she will always be in your heart no matter where you live. And it doesn't matter where you are you can always celebrate her life. This year buy balloons and hang them on her picture at home an let all the kids sing happy birthday. Fall doesn't have to be so hard. Celebrate Alexandra's life and all the rest of the blessings God has given you in the fall. Not that you can't still morn for her. Just try to make it more of a celebration time.
And before long you will have lots of memories and experiences in Georgia that you will look back on. Home is where you make it.
I love and miss you!
Erin, I cry as I read your blog. You certainly have a mother's heart. Your children are blessed to have you. My oldest was a twin - we lost her twin early on in the pregnancy and I always think about seeing the baby when we get to heaven. Your story needs to be shared with mothers who've lost a baby.
I also know how hard it is to be somewhere without the people you love. All of my family, well most of them are in SC and not a day goes by that I don't miss them. Know that we are here for you - we can certainly try fill your voids - just call us. Tricia
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